"Hitomi?" a voice called to her quietly. Hours had passed since the time of the phone call, and Hitomi no longer had the strength to weep. Instead, she heaved heartsick sighs and shuddering breaths.

"Hitomi, please look at me." A friendly hand touched the mourning woman's shoulder. Hitomi turned her tear-stained face from the bedcover.

"Yukari…" she tried to smile at her long time friend, but couldn't find the strength.

"The front door was unlocked, I hope you don't mind my coming in." Yukari sat beside her on the bed and pulled Hitomi into a fierce embrace. "I'm so sorry Hitomi! I'm so sorry…" even at 32, Yukari had lost none of her compassionate heart. "Amano told me. The hospital called him at work since he's your insurance agent…oh Hitomi, I'm sorry…" Yukari held her friend tightly and the two women cried on each other's shoulders.

"Yukari," Hitomi whispered into her friend's shoulder.

"What is it dear?" Hitomi sighed and turned her face towards Yukari's neck.

"I don't want to be here anymore." Yukari grasped her shoulders and gently pushed her away from their embrace to look thoughtfully into her eyes.

"Eh? Hitomi, what are you talking about?" her soft voice was serious, and filled with concern. Hitomi refused to meet her friend's gaze.

"I don't want to be here anymore." Her voice was quiet and calm. The sincerity with which she spoke frightened Yukari, who watched her with a worried gaze. "I don't want to live in this place. Yukari, they're GONE and I'm all alone…all alone…I can't live here anymore. I won't." Yukari's grip on her shoulders tightened, and Hitomi was shook gently but firmly.

"Don't you dare talk like that, Hitomi Sakitamo. I will not tolerate that sort of attitude, do you understand me?" Hitomi closed her eyes and shook her head violently, fresh tears forming between her eyelashes.

"It's not worth it anymore. Life on this planet isn't worth it…I'm sorry, I tried…I can't…oh, Yukari!"

"Hitomi! There are still people here who love you. I love you. Don't you dare talk about killing yourself!" There was an awkward moment of silence between the women as they sat staring at each other on the bed. At last, Hitomi spoke again. She pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her long arms around herself, muffling her saddened voice with her knees.

"Do you remember when I thought I loved Amano?" The voice that came from her was soft, innocent and childlike.

"Yes. It was so long ago, Hitomi, what brings that to mind?"

"That day when we thought Amano was leaving the country, and you told me to tell him how I felt…" Hitomi stopped speaking, green eyes glazed over with forgotten memories.

"I remember." Yukari whispered, hanging her head and smiling. "I can to your house and told you hurry up or you'd miss your chance. You hugged me and apologized for not noticing. For the life of me I couldn't piece together what you were talking about."

"I wanted to see him again." Hitomi whispered, falling back across the bed. Her feet brushed across the floor and she gazed up at the ceiling. "I want to see him now, Yukari. But I don't think I can." Yukari gave her a puzzled look.

"I'll call Amano and see if he can come over. I'm sure that would be no problem." Hitomi shook her head silently and looked at her friend with saddened eyes.

"Not Amano. When I was running, there was a great pillar of blue light. Do you remember? Of course you do, how silly of me to ask. Yukari, that was what I wanted to see again. The boy in that light, Van. That was who I wanted to see again, not Amano. I loved him. He came for me when I needed him then. But now…now…"

"Now." Yukari confirmed softly. "You've had a very difficult day Hitomi. I think you should rest a while. I'll stay with you until you sleep, if you like."

"I'm a changed woman." Hitomi moaned miserably. "I'm not who I was then. I want to go back to Gaea. I don't want to be here, in this world, any longer. Can you understand that, Yukari? I was always happy in Gaea, even during the war. I need that happiness again. I can't deal with all this pain." Her voice caught in her throat.

"Hi--" but Hitomi cut her friend off.

"It's like someone has stolen my soul. That's what it feels like. I can't feel anything anymore. Nothing but this void of emptiness where my heart used to be. Ruka, Kei…they were the pillars that held me up, kept me strong. Without them, I can feel myself slowly crumbling. I need to back to Gaea so I can be strong again. So I can live again. But I've changed so much, I don't know how to get back. Yukari, I'm so lost…"

"Hitomi, you need to rest." Her friend told her kindly, clasping her hand. "Go to sleep, relax. The pain will ease over time. We'll help you through this tragedy. I promise you're not alone. I'll stay with you, always, I promise."

 Hitomi gave her friend's hand a grateful squeeze.

"Thank you, for everything." She closed her eyes and sighed sadly, and soon she was asleep.

***

Hitomi's eyes opened slowly. It felt as though she was awakening from a dream; a delicious, grotesque, beautiful and hateful dream. Once more reality bore itself into her soul and the grave feeling of loss took hold of her again. Downstairs, she heard Yukari making something in the kitchen. Now was her chance. She could disappear, back into Gaea while no one was here to convince her to stay. Quietly, she padded over to the large desk set in the corner of the master bedroom. Grabbing a pen, she wrote a rapid note. She placed it inside an envelope, on which she scrawled "Yukari, Amano, and my family". When she had finished, she sat back in the chair and prayed.

~Take me back…~ her silent whisper begged. In her minds eye she gazed upon the green fields of Fanelia. The softness of the grasses whispered around her ankles, she breathed in the crisp sweet air of the land she had left so long ago. Her heart beat quicker. Had she made it? She opened her eyes…

…and looked down at the envelope on the desk.

Another cold hand of sorrow gripped her heart. All hope fled from her and she lay her head in her hands. If she had the strength the cry, she would have again. Yet no tears would come, and her body was weak from the toll the events of the day had taken.

"Too much…" she moaned softly. "I've changed too much…Gaea will not take me anymore."

She rose and moved out into the hallway. She had intended to go see what Yukari was cooking in the kitchen, but her feet paid no attention to her will. Instead, she found herself in the living room, looking at the small wooden box that held her tarot cards. Mindlessly, she picked them up and hurried back into her room. Unlike the night before, she opened the box and shifted through the stiff cards swiftly. There was no hesitation as she laid the chart. Her eyes flickered over the cards with an eager hunger. While she read, there was only one question on her mind.

~How can I get back to Gaea? ~

She held the final card in her hand, staring intently at its backside. Would it work? The unfinished chart grinned up at her, taunting her to complete it. Her reading thus far was two-sided…there was or there wasn't something that remained to link her to Gaea. If it existed, it was rusty from lack of use. If it didn't exist, she was lost. What was it? Where was it? Where could she find it? What did she need to do? The hesitation hit Hitomi full force. Did she want to finish this chart? What would she do if the chart told her that there was no hope of ever returning to Gaea, to happiness? What would she…yes. She needed to find out. With grim determination, she flipped the final card over and completed the chart. The card was blank.

A choked sob escaped Hitomi's lips. Would she never get an answer? She reached down to begin taking apart the chart when she noticed something odd about the blank card. Slowly, a picture was forming on the white face. She was barely able to make out a pair of wings…and then she was encased in light.

It was instantaneous and very familiar even after 17 years. The faint blue light burst forth from the chart, engulfing Hitomi in its friendly warmth. She felt herself being lifted, almost like flying, and she knew that she was returning. Her prayers had been answered; she would live again. She closed her eyes and willed herself back into the land of her dreams.

---

Yukari was climbing the stairs carefully, balancing a plateful of cookies on her hand as she used the other hand to grip the banister. She reached the top of the stairs just in time to see the brilliant flash of light emitting from under the master bedroom door. Forgetting all else at hand, she dropped the plate of cookies and raced to the door. Grasping the handle, she tugged violently, in her haste to enter the room she had difficulty opening the door.

"Hitomi!!" She screamed, banging on the door frantically. At last, the handle turned in her grip and she burst into the room just as the blue aura began to fade. Dimly she could see her friend's placid form in the centre of the glow. Terrified, Yukari screamed again and raced blindly into the light. "Hitomi!! Hitomi!" But just as she reached her friend's side, Hitomi smiled at her and vanished. The light faded and Yukari was alone in the room. With a cry of anguish, Yukari fell to the floor. Through the open window, a light breeze blew the envelope off the table. Her hands shook as she reached out to take the white slip from within.

My dearest friends and family~

Yukari's eyes skimmed over the familiar handwriting.

If you are reading this, it means that I am no longer a part of this world.
I want you all to know that I have gone to a better place, a place where
I can be happy again. I love you all dearly, and the decision to leave was
a difficult one to make. Please do not mourn for me, because I am happy
where I am. You may not understand my reasons for leaving, or
understand why I am never coming back, but that's okay. It is not that
I no longer loved any of you, in fact, it was the most painful thing to leave
everyone behind. But I knew that it was my time to leave, so I could find
happiness again. And I will, I promise. So do not weep for me, do not
mourn my disappearance. Instead, I beg of you to be happy for me, to
love me for my decision and to pray that I find what I seek. I will think
of you always,

Your Hitomi.

Yukari finished reading, tears falling down her face at a steady rate. She folded up the letter and returned it to its envelope, and rose slowly from the floor. On the desk was the single blank tarot card. Yukari's hand touched it gingerly, then picked it up and held it closely to her heart. Slowly, she turned and walked from the room. She picked up her purse on the way out, and slipped the card and letter into the front pocket before climbing into her car and driving off down the road.

~Hitomi, I will pray for you. Please, find what you seek. I'll love you, always. ~

"Lost Memories"

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